Mom Truth #3 – Parent Maths: The Yoghurt Equation
Here’s a maths problem they don’t teach in school:
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Buy 12 yoghurts → gone in 24 hours.
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Buy 24 yoghurts → suddenly, no one in the house eats yoghurt.
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Buy none → expect a full-blown family revolt worthy of a Netflix documentary.
Welcome to Parent Maths, where nothing adds up and logic is as non-existent as matching socks.
The Great Yoghurt Disaster of 2023
Last summer, I thought I was clever. “I’ll bulk buy,” I said, strutting down the dairy aisle like a woman who had her life together. I came home, stacked 24 yoghurts in the fridge in neat rows, and admired my work like some kind of snack goddess.
“This,” I declared, “will last us at least a week.”
By day two:
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The 7-year-old had eaten six in one sitting and asked if he could have a seventh “for pudding.”
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The 13- and 14-year-olds rolled their eyes, declared the exact same yoghurts they’d demolished yesterday now “taste weird,” and went back to inhaling Pringles.
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The 9-year-old took one spoonful, announced it was “disgusting,” and abandoned it on the kitchen side — lid still on the floor, yoghurt slowly congealing into a dairy-based booby trap.
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The toddler? He opened three, took one heroic bite out of each, then smeared the rest across his table like he was auditioning for Art Attack: Dairy Edition.
24 yoghurts. Gone. My fridge looked like a crime scene.
Parent Maths in Action
This is the law of snacks:
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Buy one packet → war breaks out.
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Buy six packets → suddenly, they “don’t fancy it.”
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Buy the cheap version → they want the brand name.
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Buy the brand name → “Ew, I liked the cheap one better.”
Parent Maths also applies to everything else:
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Bananas: green = no one eats them. Perfectly ripe = gone in minutes. One day too ripe = “gross, Mum.”
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Bread: buy two loaves and they vanish. Buy four and they all decide they’re gluten-free.
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Milk: never enough until you overstock… then it expires untouched.
Basically, I am simultaneously feeding a small army and running a café where everyone hates the menu.
My Survival Hacks (AKA Snack Coping Strategies)
After far too many dairy-related meltdowns, I’ve learned:
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Hide the stash. The drawer in the fridge is not for fruit and vegetables — it’s for witness protection yoghurts.
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Freeze yoghurt tubes. Genius. They double as ice packs for lunchboxes and stop the toddler redecorating my walls.
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Never announce the stock. Don’t walk in like a proud hunter declaring, “Look kids, 24 yoghurts!” That’s just painting a target on yourself.
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Buy multipacks. Flavours they hate = guaranteed leftovers = Mom snacks. Win.
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Eat the last one yourself. No guilt. It’s called tax.
The Real Mom Truth
Parent Maths will never add up. It’s not about numbers. It’s about chaos, cravings, and the fact that kids are hardwired to rebel against whatever you buy.
But here’s the silver lining: one day, when they’re all grown up, I’ll remind them of the time I spent £18 on yoghurts in one week and watched them rot in the fridge. And when they roll their eyes, I’ll smile sweetly… and eat the last one in front of them.
Because sometimes, parenting victories are small. And sometimes, they’re strawberry-flavoured.
✨ Next in Mom Truths: Going to the Park Is Like a Military Operation. Spoiler: I pack snacks like we’re climbing Everest, but still forget the wipes.
