Conversations I Never Thought I’d Have as a Mom

Before kids, I imagined motherhood would involve gentle life lessons. You know — teaching manners, helping with homework, answering big questions about the world.
What I didn’t expect was to spend my days saying things no human being should ever have to say out loud.

Actual conversations I’ve had in my house include:

• “Stop licking the windows.”

• “No, you can’t microwave socks. because your feet are cold”

• “Why is there a sandwich in your school bag from three weeks ago?”

• “Get your brother’s head out of the washing basket!”

• “Yes, trousers ARE required if you want to leave the house.”

The worst part? None of this even shocks me anymore. Five kids in, and my brain just goes: Yep, this tracks.

Take last week. My 7-year-old comes running into the kitchen, trousers round his ankles, asking "will my butt float.” Meanwhile, my 3-year-old is eating dead spiders like they’re crisps "hmmm, Now I Spider-Man?" and my teenager is screaming that the Wi-Fi is down — like that’s somehow my fault. All before 9am.

How I manage it: Coffee. Buckets of it. And sarcasm. If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry. I’ve perfected the art of answering ridiculous questions with a straight face. Example: “Mom, can I put slime in the toaster?” — “Sure, if you’d like to burn the house down and live outside forever.”

Because the thing is, every parent has these conversations. Every. Single. One. Yours might be about glitter explosions or why carrots aren’t sweets, but trust me — we’re all out here saying sentences we never thought would leave our mouths.

At the end of the day, I’m not just a mom, I’m a human who refuses to let these bizarre moments ruin me. They make me laugh, they make for good stories, and honestly, they remind me that kids are just tiny chaos machines. And if I can’t mutter under my breath that my 14-year-old is a complete prick for screaming “THERE’S NO WI-FI!” while I’m trying to stop his brother from drinking bubble bath… then what hope do I have?