The Clingiest Human In The World

Just 5 Minutes

All I want is a tiny, blissful moment of peace — maybe a whole five minutes — where I can sit down without feeling like I’m walking through a live minefield of miniature feet. Is that too much to ask? Nope. Instead, I have my 3-year-old shadow, still determined to be glued to my hip like a badge of honour!

Honestly, I thought, “Surely, he’ll start wanting some independence now that I’m back to work full-time.” Spoiler alert: I was totally wrong. No, he still prefers clinging to me like a limpet on a ship. I swear, if he could talk, he'd say, “You Mommy, are my prisoner forever!”

And the watching part? Oh, that’s a classic. I’m pretty sure he still thinks my bathroom breaks are some exclusive VIP show. I hear the tiny footsteps, peek through the door, and yep, there he is, silently watching me piss like I’m breaking some sacred mommy code. Not to mention the special bathroom entertainment — I once caught him trying to balance a magnifying glass on the top of his head, apparently trying to “see better.”  

Also, apparently, shower-time isn’t safe either. I get it — everyone’s curious. But I draw the line at him sitting outside the door with a pair of binoculars, trying to ‘spy’ on me. Now even my shower routine needs a secret backup escape plan!

The constant commentary is another level of harassment. Every five minutes, “Mommy, you finish?” or “Mommy, look!” even if I’m just trying to take a breath. I once got a “Mommy, you dance?” while I was trying to get dressed — because apparently, my stretching is hilarious. If I had a penny for every “Mommy, pick up!” I’d be able to buy a one-way ticket to some island with no tiny humans, no endless refills of juice, and no sticky fingerprints on the walls.

Honestly, I adore them. I love them to bits. They’re adorable little pests, but I didn’t sign up to be their personal shadow, live-in maid, chef, referee, and therapist all wrapped into one. Sometimes I want to just be without tiny hands grabbing my legs or tiny voices demanding snacks or attention.

Despite the chaos, the clinginess, and the utter exhaustion, I wouldn’t change a thing. Well, maybe I’d hide a little better and pretend I’m on an island all by myself, sipping some fancy cocktail with a tiny umbrella. But in reality, I know these little lunatics will be my biggest fans — and biggest pests — forever. And honestly, that’s kind of beautiful.

So here’s to my little shadow — my tiny, stubborn, hilarious, clingy little human — keeping me on my toes and reminding me daily that life with kids is basically a never-ending comedy show. And I love every minute of it, even if I wish I could sneak away to the bathroom without a tiny watcher.

FiveKidsOneMom ✌🏼