Military Mom

Hello, lovely readers 

Today, we’re diving headfirst into my all-time favourite topic—the absolute art of becoming a better mom. Because, let’s be honest, spoiling our kids has become our informal national sport—probably even an Olympic event in some parallel universe. But enough of that nonsense. It’s time for an upgrade. Think military-grade discipline with a splash of shit-hot humour and a dash of “you won’t believe what my kid just did—.

I’m Done Being a Human ATM

Yep, I’ve been that mom. The one handing out treats like it’s a raffle, whispering, “You get a biscuit! And you get a biscuit! And YOU get a biscuit!” But guess what? It’s no favour. It’s turning my tiny humans into entitled little dictators. Enough, I say! The battle cry? “My rules, my army, no exceptions.”  

Time to Bring the Military Vibes

Welcome to Boot Camp at my house, where every child is a recruit and everyone needs to earn their privileges. Want your shiny gadget? You’d better show some hustle. Want to stay up past bedtimes? Nope, soldier. You want the luxury of not doing chores? Well, you better earn that privilege, or I’ll turn your gaming console into a pretend battlefield. Because “Earn, respect, and maybe a little fear. The new motto—fast, fierce, and absolutely no messing about.  

Meet the Troops:

- 14-year-old: Mate, you’ll wish you’d have got to school on time instead of stuffing your face in your phone all day—bellyaching, “I don’t like school,” doesn’t count here, soldier. This is your last chance to earn Wi-Fi like it’s the King’s own birthday. Keep slacking, and I’ll turn your gaming setup into a war zone—literally, a landmine of LEGO and laundry.  

- 12-year-old: Mr. "In La La Land." Honestly, he’s probably negotiating with aliens most of the time. I swear, he’s glued to his own invisible playlist and wouldn’t even notice if I turned his room into a battlefield of crushed crisps and discarded socks. Spoiler: I will.  

- 9-year-old Daughter: Hormonal hurricane with a teenage attitude—timidly refusing to leave her sanctuary, convinced she’s the star of her own reality show. Spoiler: She’s about to earn her right to be part of the family (and do some chores) or face the wrath of her very exhausted mom.

- 6-year-old: Tiny soldier-in-training. He’s about to learn that “I need regulation time” is not a free ticket to avoid schoolwork or rules. From now on, if he wants to use the sensory room, he’ll need to earn it—like, maybe by doing some school work or saying “please” without a meltdown. No more freebies, Larry!  

- 3-year-old: THE wild card. A tiny ninja, a climber, a professional escape artist. The other day, he was teetering on the window sill, Bat-Man style. I nearly had a coronary! He’s finally out of the “screamy tit” phase but has taken up tiny rebel climber as his new hobby. Dear Lord, keep him from… you know… breaking a bone or falling off of the shed roof.

## Here’s the Deal:  

This isn’t just parenting. No, this is full-scale military operation— and I am the commanding officer.  

No more freebies. No more “I didn’t feel like it.” That’s right—you want peace? You want privileges? You gotta earn ’em—like a true soldier.  

And guess what? It’s hilarious trying to drill this into them because, at first, they look at me as if I’ve grown a second head. Last night, I told my 14-year-old, “Earn your Wi-Fi,” and he stared at me as if I’d just declared him King for the Day. But slow and steady, they’re catching on—because, let’s be honest, nobody wants a grumpy mom with a whistle blowing orders all day.