You think you’ve seen it all as a mom of five… and then your toddler decides to outdo himself.

People say the kitchen is the heart of the home. In my house, it’s the bathroom — but not in a cute, cosy way. More like The Hunger Games, except with more towels on the floor and less chance of survival.

Before kids, I imagined motherhood would involve gentle life lessons. You know — teaching manners, helping with homework, answering big questions about the world.What I didn’t expect was to spend my days saying things no human being should ever have to say out loud.

You’d think kids would be grateful for the big stuff in life – holidays, days out, getting an ice cream after school. Not mine. Nope. My five seem to believe the greatest luxuries on this planet are things that technically already belong to me.